The Abecedarian Omnibus
by Madelynne Rabb
Summary: Pre-Season 1. The Middleman wasn't kidding when he said that they were always on the lookout for suitable recruits, and Wendy isn't the first sidekick MM has taken on. Here we find just a few of the stories... Rated T to be safe. Reviews are love.
1. Chapter 1: Vaporization

The Abecedarian Omnibus

**Disclaimer**: If I owned "The Middleman," would I be working as a temp, sleeping on a futon, and writing Middleman fanfic? No; heck no; and no, because then I'd be able to make the writers write about the things I want. But since I don't want to have Disney's best and most bloodthirsty lawyers after me (that Mouse is well-represented!), I will be a good little fanfic writer and say that I don't own anything except for my original characters.  
**Spoilers**: Everything and yet nothing. If you don't watch the show, you won't get some stuff, but I'm not writing about anything specifically spoilerific.

**Warnings**: This has not been beta-ed, so any mistakes are mine. I also tend to get a little parentheses-crazy (The Princess Bride is one of my favorite books), and the fourth wall will not just be broken, but shattered and run over repeatedly by my 1997 Chevy Lumina. I think this crossed the line into crackfic a while ago, but I'm not sure when. I'm also not surprised. Just like every Middleman episode, there will be references. Have fun finding them!

**Author's Notes**: The general idea of this is from an episode of Freakazoid called "The Sidekick Chronicles," and I decided to take the idea and have some fun with it… and now that I think about it, "This Is Spinal Tap" probably had some influence, too. Figure that one out. Yes "abecedarian" is a real word – go look it up. I love this show, because I get to really dig through the thesaurus in order to get some good words for titles – and being an English nerd, I heart big words. I think "abecedarian" might be one of my new favorites.

* * *

Chapter 1: Polly, or The Abecedarian Vaporization

Polly was the first trainee the Middleman took on after becoming… well, the Middleman. She was once a college student who caught the Middleman's eye while he was investigating a rash of possessed teddy bears. Young girls all over the city were being shanghaied to a demonic picnic in the woods outside of town. Polly, however, was at a street corner, trying to fight off a would-be purse snatcher, though with limited success. (She had no idea about the teddy bears, which is probably a good thing, because her own collection of bears was plotting against her at that very moment.) Impressed by her attempt, the Middleman immediately stepped in and chased the wannabe thief away, and recruited Polly on the spot.

Naturally, Polly accepted, because otherwise, I wouldn't be telling this story, now would I? Polly fit into the Middleman organization like a glove. She was a hard worker and devoted herself to learning all she could about fighting comic book evil, even to the point of staying late in the dojo working on what Sensei Ping had taught her. It was an odd little family: the Middleman as the older brother/surrogate father type, Ida as the snarky old aunt who was more likely to smack you upside the head than knit you a sweater, and Polly as the energetic young sister who could always be counted on to bring a smile or a laugh. It was a partnership made in O2STK heaven.

One day (this was about a year after Polly had joined), they learned about a feud that had erupted between two alien races on rival planets. With the understanding that whichever side won this battle would win uncontested rule over the other planet, each side sent their best armies to a neutral planet for a battle royal. Unfortunately for humanity, this neutral planet was Earth, and each side contained within their arsenal enough firepower to leave Earth a charcoal briquette. But wait - we have the Middleman, right?

* * *

MIDDLEMAN HQ  
3:24 PM

The Middleman quickly read through the reports as they came in from the H.E.Y.D.A.R. If he was feeling any emotion other than calm and determination, he didn't show it.

"I got the Middlemobile all gassed up and ready to go, Chief," Polly said as she walked into Middleman HQ. "I wish that O2STK would do something about updating that guzzler – I just sank half my paycheck into that thing!" She tossed the Middleman the keys, but he wasn't paying attention and the keys hit his shoulder and jangled to the floor. The Middleman didn't even flinch. "What's wrong, Boss?"

"We're really swimming in it, Pippi," the Middleman finally stated. (He had given Polly that nickname not long after she signed on, for whatever reason.) "I'm fluent in 18 Earth languages as well as conversational in 52 extraterrestrial languages, but I'm afraid that I don't know either of these."

"Can't Ida translate for you?" Polly asked, as she picked up the keys.

"I would, Dollface," Ida replied, "but I've never even heard of these planets before. We might as well try speaking Chinese to Julius Caesar."

"Great," Polly sighed. "So what do we do?"

"Well, we can't just let the Maka'alohi and the Chromites of Regda 2 destroy the Earth in their attempt to resolve their interplanetary issues," the Middleman reasoned. "We just have to meet them and mediate as best we can."

"So in other words, we're sunk."

The Middleman paused, choosing his words correctly. (Normally at this point, he'd speak out against Polly's defeatist attitude, though.) "We won't know that until we get down there." He turned to Ida. "You know what to do if the… well, you know," he said stoutly.

"Contact O2STK and burn every last trace of you," Ida rattled off. "I've been doing this a lot longer than you, young man. I know how it goes."

"We'll see you on the other side," Polly saluted as the Middleman took the keys from her and the pair left Middleman HQ.

* * *

KOICHI SAKAMOTO MEMORIAL PLAZA  
5:29 PM

The Middlemobile pulled up to find the two alien races staring each other down across the plaza, weapons drawn and ready to charbroil the planet. (I wonder if they knew about the "charbroil the planet" part. I hope they didn't, but they probably did.) Immediately, the Middleman unbuckled his seat belt and moved to get out of the car.

"You're crazy, you know," Polly commented.

"Yes, I am rather out of my element here, but I have quelled intra-, extra-, and juxta-terrestrial incidents before," the Middleman replied. "All I need to do is make some sort of contact with one of them."

"Well, I'm coming with you. Someone needs to make sure you don't get vaporized. Seriously."

"Thank you for your concern, Pippi, but I'm not sure what you could do." At that moment, the Middleman's Middlewatch began its electronic chirping. "What is it, Ida?" he asked into it, looking very much like Dick Tracy at that moment (well, as much as a man wearing no trench coat, no fedora, and no yellow can look like Dick Tracy).

"Here's something that might help," stated Ida's voice from the Middlewatch. The Maka'alohi aren't too far from the Eltarians. They might recognize it if you spoke that."

"Can you speak it?" asked Polly.

"I'm still learning it," the Middleman answered directly. "But hopefully that will be enough to stop these extraterrestrials from barbecuing the planet." At that, he began to approach one of the alien groups. (Thanks to the amazing powers of something that I can't quite explain, we are being provided the translation of everything that is said.) "In the name of the High Supreme Consciousness, I ask you to stop!"

However, the Middleman was speaking to the Uncontested Potentate of the Chromites of Regda 2. "What is he saying?" asked the leather-clad Maka'alohi general to his lieutenant on the other side of the plaza. "I can't quite make it out."

"I think it's supposed to be Eltarian, General."

"Shoot. I failed Eltarian in high school."

"Don't worry. He's not that good at it. I think he said, 'My cat would just love to dance with your mother.'"

"WHAT?!" the general roared. "My mother was a saint!" (What the Middleman didn't know was that cats are considered vermin by the Maka'alohi. He basically just said that he wished the general's mother would be infested with cockroaches. Way to go, MM.) The general drew his short-range neutrino destroyer and fired at the Middleman.

He hit Polly instead. (Apparently the general's short-range neutrino destroyer needed to be recalled because this model pulled two degrees to the right. Because of the trip to Earth, he missed out on the memo.) A purple flame obliterated the young girl instantaneously, and, almost before the Middleman noticed anything, she was gone.

"Pippi?" the Middleman asked the spot where she had once stood. The spot said nothing.

* * *

That night, an attitude of sadness permeated the rooms of Middleman Headquarters. Without Polly's ever-cheerfulness, the office seemed dreary. However, the Middleman was business as usual. Ida attempted to coax her boss out of his quietness, but eventually learned that it was useless to try. (Ever since an incident in high school that involved a football teammate and a Bryan Adams mix tape, the Middleman had been adamant about making sure business came first.) The two spent the rest of the night cleaning out Polly's things, having convinced the High Supreme Consciousness of Eltar to help in stopping the Maka'alohi earlier in the evening.

Before long, Polly's absence wasn't so very hard to bear, and business was going well. However, the Middleman began to feel the need for another sidekick, and began to keep his eyes peeled for a suitable candidate…


	2. Chapter 2: Annihilation

**Author's Notes:** Now that I think of it, Polly might have been a bit Mary Sueish, but she will be the baseline that MM compares any successive sidekicks to, so she needs to be almost the perfect sidekick. I'm also thinking this chapter (and some of the successive ones) might be shorter than the first. You'll see why.

* * *

Chapter 2: Casey, or The Abecedarian Annihilation

It had been about six months since Polly's dissolution at the hands of a Maka'alohi short-range neutrino destroyer when the Middleman met Casey. This young man had been discovered through a scan by the H.E.Y.D.A.R. (nobody tells me exactly what they scan for, I don't have enough security clearance) and the Middleman had been sent to recruit him. Casey was an employee at his father's pizza parlor, and had been rather stunned at the prospect of leaving the job for something so out of the ordinary. (Casey's father wasn't entirely sad about losing his son to another job - Casey tended to spill.)

Casey tried his best to help the Middleman, but while he didn't exactly get in the way of the effort, he wasn't exactly the best sidekick the Middleman had ever had. (At this point, of course, it was rather a short list.) If Polly's presence made Middleman HQ like a family, then having Casey around was like having some distant teenaged cousin live with you: slightly awkward and quiet. Casey almost never spoke, except for the odd quiet mumble. The only time he was ever instrumental in a case was when he and the Middleman had to battle against The Catchiest Song In The Universe, and even though Casey had become prey to it, his silence kept him from singing the song aloud, which would have ensnared the Middleman instantly. We definitely have him to thank for keeping such an evil from being unleashed on the world. (It was one of those unbelievably chipper European dance/techno songs , the kind that make you want to poke out your eardrums with a Q-Tip.)

Not long after, the Middleman learned that his mentor, the lethal martial artist Sensei Ping was going to be coming all the way from China to meet with his martial arts organization, the Clan of the (at this point, I must apologize. A handful of paranoid and celibate martial artists have gathered outside my window and are threatening to do something called the Dance of the Crane Emperors to me if I name this organization.)

Anyway, Sensei Ping agreed to meet with Casey and train him, in the hopes that his skill as a sidekick might improve. (The most lethal man alive is going to meet a completely untrained and somewhat clumsy kid? This should be good.)

* * *

THE HALLS OF MIDDLEMAN HEADQUARTERS  
8:56 AM

The Middleman led Casey toward the Middleman Dojo for his first session with Sensei Ping. "Now remember, Casey, Sensei Ping is the most lethal man alive," he reminded. "But I have faith in you."

Ida, who wasn't far behind, was her usual supportive self. "Don't worry. We've got your parents on speed-dial, and your death will be remembered as a freak accident."

The Middleman threw Ida a stern look, and continued to encourage Casey, who had a bewildered look on his face. (Then again, he tended to have that look a lot.) "Just pay attention and do your best. We'll be waiting for you out here when your hour is up."

"It was nice knowing you," Ida threw in, despite the Middleman's disapproval.

* * *

OUTSIDE THE MIDDLEMAN DOJO  
20 MINUTES LATER

The Middleman and Ida stood in the hallway, listening in on Casey's first session with Sensei Ping, hoping to gauge how it was going. Suddenly, everything on the other side of the door went silent, and then there was a thud. The door opened, and a slender man wearing a (Crap, those martial artists are back. Never mind what he's wearing.)

Anyway, Sensei Ping exited the dojo. "Your new apprentice is dead," he stated solemnly.

At this, the normally unflappable Middleman lost his cool a bit. "Dead?! What happened in there?" He paused, and then remembered who he was talking to. "Sensei Ping," he added with a short bow of the head.

The ninja master sounded oddly defensive. "Sensei Ping was showing him the Claw of the Nine Sunrises. Sensei Ping did not even strike him and he died." (Because of his awesomeness, Sensei Ping can refer to himself in the third person. He does this all the time. You tend to not notice it after a while, but if this is the first time you've met him, it can grate on the nerves a bit.)

The Middleman was speechless (apparently this Claw of the Nine Sunrises is something pretty special), so Ida took over. "Don't worry about it, I've got this handled," she told Sensei Ping.

Sensei Ping bowed low in reply. "Madame Ida, Sensei Ping leaves this in your capable hands. If you need Sensei Ping, Sensei Ping will be in Sensei Ping's usual suite at the Four Seasons." He turned to the Middleman. "It is regrettable that your student has died, my apprentice," he said, turning to walk away. "But he was as silent as a mute wolf and as clumsy as a man in a rubber suit. Sensei Ping did you a favor."

* * *

THE ARCHIVE ROOM  
A FEW HOURS LATER

Ida found the Middleman in the archive room, cleaning his Middlegun. "It's all taken care of," she said, sounding somewhat proud of her efforts. You might want to watch the evening news tonight. I hear the lead story's going to be a doozy."

* * *

In the end, Casey's death was made to look like a bizarre petting zoo accident. Casey's parents tried to sue, but found that the petting zoo was a scam, and no names could be found. (Ida is a master at engineering cover-ups and creating conspiracies.) Middleman Headquarters was no more or less quiet without Casey there; in fact, it was almost like he never left. The Middleman swore off taking on sidekicks for a while. Besides, he dare not insult Sensei Ping by hiring another colossal failure like that again.


	3. Chapter 3: Resignation

**Author's Notes:** The previous two chapters had one reference theme, in keeping with the fun of the show (though there aren't many references in Chapter 2), but now it is time to play with another one. Have fun with this!

Reviews are always love.

* * *

Chapter 3: Leah, or the Abecedarian Resignation

The Middleman kept his vow of a sidekick-free life for a good while (about nine months), but then he met Leah. The Middleman found Leah in the most unorthodox way: she actually found him. She walked into the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Employment Agency looking for a clerical job. Figuring that she would make a good apprentice – Leah was well-spoken, polite, and while she looked like a bookworm, she also looked like the type of person who could think on her toes and be useful in exotic situations - the Middleman offered to train her. (Heck, anything had to be better than Casey.)

Leah was a hard worker, and worked very hard (as hard workers do) to make sure everything was perfect. For whatever reason, business was slow, and Leah would spend hours organizing the many shelves, closets and rooms in Middleman Headquarters. She would bring a pair of sandals with her to work, which she would wear around Middleman HQ instead of her Middleshoes. In other words, a neat freak. To continue to use the metaphor of a family, Leah was kind of a serious old aunt, the kind that would remind you to eat your vegetables and to sit up straight, a that-is-not-how-a-lady-acts sort of person. (If it's even possible, she was more straight-laced than the Middleman.) The Middleman was glad to have a useful sidekick around once again, but in an odd turn of events, he often had to remind Leah to lighten up, a request she tended to ignore.

The world of the Middleman is like a pendulum. Sometimes the job is quiet, and sometimes it becomes a melee of case after case, alien monster after mad scientist (both the insane and the perturbed) after mystical object capable of turning all the air in the world into wood. So it was no surprise to the Middleman when all of a sudden, a rather odd comic book evil plot began to rear its ugly head.

* * *

EMMITT NERVEND MEMORIAL HIGHWAY  
3:27 PM

The Middlemobile sped down the road, a calm Middleman at the wheel. Suddenly he was greeted with the familiar tones of the Middlewatch. "What is it, Ida?"

"So, how did our cupcake handle her first real case?" Ida asked.

"Not very well, I'm afraid," the Middleman answered. "I suspect that the welcome Professor Rhombus gave us might have spooked her a bit."

"Hot pink really isn't her color," Ida jibed.

"Nobody looks good in goo of any color," the Middleman countered. "I just dropped her off at her apartment, and I'll be back at Headquarters in a jiffy." (Leave it to the Middleman to use the word "jiffy.")

There was a short pause, then Ida asked out of the blue, "Have you seen the variable heliocannon?"

"It's not next to the litholevitator?" the Middleman asked. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm dusting in here – like I've got anything better to do – and I noticed it's not here."

All of a sudden, the Middleman was all business. "Have there been any recent security breaches?"

"No," Ida replied. "Keep your pants on. If there had been a security breach, you would have known about it."

"Not if you were infected with that virus again," the Middleman pointed out. (Back when the Middleman was merely a sidekick, Ida had come down with a bad virus that turned her into the equivalent of a 1980s 14-year old Valley Girl mallrat. Mind you, her appearance generator was still stuck on Domineering Schoolmarm v2.0, so it was a rather interesting week for a young Middleman-in-training.)

"My anti-virus software is up-to-date and you know it," Ida shot back. "I'll bet Pumpkin had something to do with it. I saw her in there the other day."

"You don't know that Leah had anything to do with the variable heliocannon being missing," the Middleman lectured, "though I don't know why it would be."

"She 'organizes' things, and then I can't find them again. I've had all these weapons, gadgets, and things set up just so since before you were born. Now I'm going to have to do it all over again. Can't we just say it's not working out and ship her off to Greenland?"

"Smoked meats and fishes, Ida!" the Middleman exclaimed. "You know we can't do that."

"Well, I was going to ask if I could kill her, but I know you wouldn't let me."

"Ida, we are not having this discussion. I know that she is a little more regimented than our previous trainees, but Leah stays, and that's that."

"Fine," Ida grumbled, and then her tone changed. "You need to hurry up and get over here. We've got a hot tamale. Better tell Princess to bring her raincoat."

* * *

THE JOLLY FATS WEHAWKIN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY  
(SECRETLY KNOWN AS MIDDLEMAN HEADQUARTERS)  
ONE WEEK LATER  
9:00 AM

Promptly at 9:00 am, Leah walked into the front office of the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Employment Agency and stood at the counter, paging the Middleman on her Middlewatch to join her. 39 seconds later, he did. "What do you need?" he asked. "I thought today was your day off."

"I wanted to let you know that I was quitting."

The Middleman was taken aback. "Why would you quit?"

Taking a deep breath, Leah dove in. "I don't think I was fully prepared for this job. I've been covered from head to toe in hot pink slime, shot at - by guns and by weapons I've never heard of before - hailed as a princess and the heir to some alien throne--"

"That was actually Polly," the Middleman interrupted with a sigh. "The Metalunans couldn't tell you apart from her for some reason. It's a funny story how she got the title, actually…" He looked at Leah, who was looking a little miffed for being interrupted. "I'm sorry. Please continue."

"I've also stopped the world from being overrun by small and annoyingly ineffectual 1940's Japanese superheroes, and been taken prisoner by a moronic alien who couldn't tell left and right from up and down, and that was just this week!" She paused. "I just can't take the chaos. I've been offered a job at a literary magazine in Northern California, and I think I'm going to take it."

"Well, someone always needs to make sure the world is safe for good grammar and literature," the Middleman smiled. "We'll miss you, but you need to have a job that makes you happy. I know I don't need to ask you to keep the things you've seen a secret."

At this, Leah actually laughed, a slightly derisive one. "Nobody would believe me if I tried." With an actual smile, she offered a handshake to the Middleman, which he accepted. "Thank you," she said, and then she turned to leave.

* * *

INSIDE MIDDLEMAN HQ  
(SECRETLY KNOWN AS LORD BRAVERY'S BAKE SHOP)  
ONE MINUTE LATER

The Middleman walked in to find Ida rearranging all of the weapons, gadgets and things back to the way she liked them. (She had been so busy all week helping save the world that she hadn't had time to do it until now.) "We lost another one, Ida," he remarked.

"We?" Ida asked. "I didn't do anything. And don't think I didn't want to."

* * *

For a long time, Leah had the distinctive honor of being the only sidekick to survive her experience with the Middleman (and remember it, but that's a story for another day). She went on to become the editor of that literary magazine, and in her spare time wrote a handful of novels. The Middleman never admitted it to Ida, but he was always the first in line to have Leah sign her latest book. (Each novel was made out to a different false identity: Kipton Tang, Claus Vumer, Dobie Atwood, Jr., Mike Cosgrove, Dexter Douglas, and so on.)

Life at Middleman Headquarters got back into the usual between-sidekick lull, and the Middleman missed having someone to train and actually be somewhat good at the job. (This made him miss Polly even more, because she was still the best sidekick he had ever had.) So, he kept his eyes open, because who knew (probably O2STK, they know everything) what was around the corner…


	4. Chapter 4: Termination

**Author's Notes:** Wow... Now I remember why I usually wait for a story to be finished before posting it anywhere. I hate abandoned fics, so I'm sorry. The next chapter is forthcoming, I swear. Just so you know, there's a new reference theme in this chapter. Have fun - I know I have!

This also marks my attempt at a few badge moments, which are probably incredibly lame, but whatever. Also, this chapter contains my interpretation of a line spoken in 1x04.

Many thanks to Olivia for beta-ing. It's definitely better than it used to be, but I know you're busy, so I decided to just go with what I had.

* * *

Chapter 4: Brent, or The Abecedarian Termination

As luck would have it, it wasn't a week before O2STK did indeed recommend a new sidekick for the Middleman to take on. (Of course, O2STK is so secretive that I'm not allowed to know what led them to Brent.) By this point, you would think that the Middleman would be a bit gunshy about taking on yet another sidekick, but if you were thinking that, then you don't know the Middleman. He took Brent on without question (mostly because questioning O2STK is something you just don't do) and looked forward to another opportunity to train another apprentice (darn it if the Middleman isn't unbelievably positive).

Brent was the kind of kid who was a dutiful worker at one of the small local music shops, but spent most of his time at the comic book store. Brent's mind was almost like a pinball machine, and his imagination tended to get the better of him from time to time. The result was a young man with almost boundless energy and a tendency for being a little over-enthusiastic. Brent was like the hyperactive little brother in this Middlefamily (though maybe he was more like the puppy). Brent's near-obsessive knowledge of the comic book world led him to jump into the Middleman organization with both feet. He tried to be involved in every aspect of his new job, excelled in every skill and aptitude test that was thrown at him, and even managed to limp out of his introductory session with Sensei Ping, which is pretty impressive, considering that Sensei Ping showed Brent not only the Claw of the Nine Sunrises, but the Troubled Triangle as well. Brent was such a good sidekick that the Middleman figured Brent had the staying power to stick around where other sidekicks had failed. (There are a few more stories that could fit into this chronicle, but I'm forbidden from chronicling them. There are a lot of perks to being one of the few "mere mortals" allowed to know about the Middleorganization and O2STK, but it's not as cushy as you might think. I refer you back to the fact that I was threatened by a handful of paranoid and celibate martial artists. Repeatedly.)

One day, a few months after Brent had first donned his Eisenhower jacket, he and the Middleman had to investigate an incident involving possessed mailboxes, an investigation which began at the home of a Miss Jules Argent...

* * *

THE HOME OF JULES ARGENT  
5:12 PM

The front yard of the Argent home was a mess - flowers had been uprooted, the lawn had been torn to pieces, clods of dirt had been thrown all over the front of the house with reckless abandon, and shreds of paper covered the entire scene like snow.

"Wow, it's like the North Pole South," Brent remarked, "on the night Santa went crazy."

"Yes, it is rather gruesome, Brent," the Middleman agreed, as the two walked up to the young woman currently trying to clean up the mess. ⌠Good evening ma'am, this is Kevin Thigpen, and my name is Greg Lee, and we are with InsuranceNet. We're here to investigate the incident. Would you please tell Agent Thigpen about what happened while I take a look around?" At Jules' nod, Brent led Jules inside the house. Meanwhile, the Middleman pulled out his BTRS scanner and began to wander around the yard, the scanner making its customary sound. (How exactly would you describe that sound? It's just weird. Anyway...)

A minute or so later, Brent joined the Middleman, who had put on a pair of bright yellow glasses. (The glasses link to Ida, so she can scan the scene herself.) "She says she has no idea what started everything," Brent reported. "She found the house this way when she got home from work - she didn't even get to check her mail."

"Hmm," the Middleman murmured as he processed this information. "Only one piece of mail survived the mailbox attack," he explained, showing Brent the fortunate piece of mail. It was an advertisement, hawking a sale at Carmen's House of Patio Furniture (and promoting prices so low they were "a steal!"). "Based on Ida's scan, it is bursting at the gills with a strange substance. Ida believes it is called Illudium, which is capable of triggering a morphological change in these mailboxes. The kind that would set them off on a metallic rampage. Ida's working on tracing the source now." Seconds later (the H.E.Y.D.A.R. works really fast), the Middleman's Middlewatch brooped. "What is it, Ida?"

"I ran a global search, and found a trail of Illudium shipments leading to a man named David Yazbek. He works for Victor International Letters and Envelopes. Their main product is stationery, but here's the kicker: they have a division that prints junk mail."

At that moment, Brent pointed out a small note in the bottom left-hand corner of the Carmen's House of Patio Furniture mailer: "V.I.L.E."

* * *

CEO'S OFFICE  
VICTOR INTERNATIONAL LETTERS AND ENVELOPES  
6:34 PM

A secretary led the Middleman and Brent into the office of Sean Altman, the CEO, who was currently in a meeting with the Senior Vice President of Advertising Mail, one David Yazbek.

"Hello, sir," the Middleman said cheerfully yet all-business as he and Brent flashed their fake IDs. "My name is Chase Devineaux, and this is my partner Zackary Darren, and we're with the Acme Detective Agency."

"Seriously?" asked David. "That sounds so cliché."

"Yes, we get that all the time," the Middleman smiled. "We'd like to ask you a few questions about..."

The Middleman didn't get a chance to ask his questions, because at that moment, a mailroom worker came running down the hallway, chased by an unruly cloud of flying envelopes and mailers. This cloud was followed by a rather large package that came unevenly rolling down the hall.

Upon seeing the Running of the Envelopes, Sean became unhinged. "You idiot!" he shouted. "They weren't supposed to come back to us!"

Not to be outdone, David shot back, "I told you that if one - just one! - of those things got sent back, we'd be in trouble!"

While Sean and David yelled and fought with each other, the Middleman turned to Brent. "We'd better leave before the Five-O show up."

* * *

LAMANNA-BURKE MEMORIAL BOULEVARD  
6:45 PM

Brent could hardly contain his excitement as the Middlemobile drove down the road. "Wow, this is the coolest job in the world! That whole thing was like, the lamest plot to take over the world ever!" he laughed, but the rest of the ride was silent until the Middleman pulled onto Brent's street. "So, um, Boss... I've been thinking. Since you're called 'the Middleman,' can I have a cool nickname too? I mean, all the comic book sidekicks have superhero names: Robin, Kato, Captain Yesterday, you know."

"I see what you're saying," the Middleman nodded, never letting his eyes leave the road in front of him. "I don't see why you can't choose a nickname for yourself."

"Can I be 'Middleboy'?"

Before another word could be said, a small device appeared from the dashboard and flashed a bright red light right in Brent's eyes.

* * *

At this point, I must take a break in this story to tell a different story, one of a young man named Leonard Carl. Leonard was a Middleman-in-training back in the 19th Century, and soon became the Regency Middleman's most successful sidekick, and he ended up being given the nickname "Middleboy." However, an incident involving the evil shapeshifting aliens of Kneemoi revealed that Leonard had in fact been planted by the Kneemoians to undermine the Middleorganization in an effort to take over the planet. Ever since, the Kneemoians have tried the exact same plan with every new Middleman (the only thing they got better at was making more convincing humans), and after 150 years of dealing with the imposters, O2STK had become tired of dealing with it.

* * *

"Where am I?" asked a stunned and disoriented Brent.

"My name is Officer Kerman with Metro Police," stated the Middleman with a deep sigh, "and I'm escorting you home. You were found completely lost and wandering the streets. Now, where do you live?"

"1985 Siefkin Drive," replied Brent. "Wait a sec. That's my house down the street."

"Well, go home and get some sleep," the Middleman said. "You look like you had a hard night."

* * *

Brent ended up going back to his regular life, except he came to find he had quit his job at the music store. Luckily for him, his favorite place in the world was hiring: the local comic book store. He never was able to figure out what happened in his life during those missing months, nor exactly what caused his amnesia, but he led a happy, uncomplicated life.

The Middleman, however, went back to his Middlelife, and waited patiently for the perfect sidekick to come along...


	5. Chapter 5: Annexation

**Author's Notes:** There were originally supposed to be 6 chapters, but the original chapter 5 was kicking my butt, so I decided to drop it and move on. It's become my own Episode 13. Maybe I'll come up with more sidekicks in the future… Also, as this is intended to be a sort of epilogue, it's not going to be very long… and the storytelling style will be somewhat different from the other chapters.

* * *

Chapter 5: The Abecedarian Annexation

It had been three months since the Middleman had left a stunned and confused Brent on the driveway of his home, and as the time passed, as it usually does (except for on the planet of Remulak, where, for some reason, time runs backwards), the Middleman found himself questioning his sidekick-finding abilities. He even descended into a doughnut-and-grape-juice-induced shame spiral (Ida never tired of griping about digging him out of those); thankfully, it didn't affect his ability to fight evil, though the sugar did make him a tad wound up. It was in this state that Ida found him one unseasonably cold morning.

* * *

MIDDLEMAN HQ  
9:01 AM

Ida was already at the H.E.Y.D.A.R., scanning the airwaves for any reports of exotic problems when the Middleman blustered into Middleman Ops, eating yet another glazed Old Fashioned doughnut. (Despite the amount of glazed and sprinkled things he had been eating, MM of course was spotless, right down to the polished buttons on his jacket. Something tells me he wasn't sleeping.)

"Somebody's keeping the bakeries in business," Ida quipped. "And the new fuel processor finally arrived from O2STK. Runs on garbage, burns clean…" The android gestured toward the Middlegarage. "I installed it about an hour ago."

At that, the Middleman sighed, staring down into his bottle of deep purple liquid. "Polly wanted so bad for that to get here. She would have been so happy." Noticing Ida roll her eyes, he continued. "I know you didn't think much of her, but she was a good sidekick. She was special… Tell me, Ida, why haven't I been able to keep a sidekick around? Have I just been making bad choices?"

Unfazed, Ida reported, "Hey, Boss, if you'll wrap up your pity party, we've got a live one."

The Middleman got up and headed for the Middlegarage, but he kept talking. "Is it some reflection of my own abilities as a Middleman, that most of my Middlemen-in-training end up dying horribly and needlessly? Especially Jason... (I can't talk about this one – at least not until the charges clear.) Is it too much to ask for a sidekick that is committed, creative, and fearless in the face of comic book evil?"

"Well, if there were any more, they're probably dead now." Ida paused, expecting the Middleman to be quick with a "that was completely out of line," but it never came. "I tracked the energy spike to 1001 Cricket Road. Turn here."

* * *

The Middleman followed Ida's driving directions to a large, stylish, glass-paneled building. Numerous employees in white lab coats were running out the front door, and the occasional scream could be heard as well. Middlemen have always been trained to run toward the danger everybody else was running away from, so the Middleman moved with purpose toward the door, Middlegun at the ready. Inside, the lobby was clearly visible, office supplies were scattered all over the floor, and the young receptionist was currently facing down a large, ugly-looking, tentacled blob. (Well, she had been knocked to the floor, so technically she was facing up a large, ugly-looking, tentacled blob, but whatever.)

One of the slimy tentacles quickly snagged the dark-haired girl in her attempt to get away, but she managed to grab a letter opener and stab the… well, I guess you might call it an arm (then again, it also had roughly three actual arms, so let's stick with tentacle). The Middleman fired his Middlegun at the limb, severing it from the slimy purple freak of science and freeing Receptionist Girl.

* * *

Her willingness to deal with the crazed reality of the whacked-out genetic experiment impressed the Middleman, as did her near-perfect confidence in the face of the situation. On the other hand, even the minute of talking with Miss Whatever-I'm-A-Temp led him to believe that she would need some convincing to join the Middleorganization. While her attention was focused on the firefighters currently making sure she was okay, the Middleman turned to leave, but stopped short of stepping on a silver Zippo lighter that had fallen to the floor in the melee. The Middleman regarded the Zippo as he picked it up. He could already tell she was going to hate him when she found out.


End file.
